The Friendzone Epidemic


If you had ever paid attention in your geography class, you must be well aware of the term – “TIME ZONE”, but if you didn’t and spent the entire hour creepily staring at your crush (thinking of how ONE day she will leave her hot boyfriend only to realize that you were the one who she always loved), then you must be more than aware of the term – “FRIEND-ZONE”. Now don’t let a few similar syllables in both the terms confuse you that they are anyway similar.

Time zones are convenient. You can easily move from one time zone to the other. Take a flight from Delhi to Alaska and even before you have realized, you have already switched from the Indian standard meridian to the Alaska standard meridian. Friend zone, on the other hand, is like a black hole. Once you get in, there is no possible way that you are ever getting out of it. It slowly sucks you in and just as you reach the event horizon; all your dreams of dating her are thrown away to nothingness. It also has a very similar time dilation effect. A 2 second friend zone hug for her is a 3 hour Kamasutra hug for you. Weird how relativity works in our mind, isn’t it?


Now I have myself been a victim of friend zone throughout my life. I still remember this girl from nursery who I loved so much that I was willing to give up all my crayons for her(well…..I  hit puberty a bit early……sometimes i even feel that I have seen pornography evolve in front of my own eyes as a kid). But I was soon met with bad luck when she found out that I still wear a diaper. But I was not disheartened by the failure and tried to convey my feelings to her again when we were in class 9,  by sending a cake on her  birthday saying “Happy birthday to the person that I have always loved truly from my heart”. She very well reciprocated the love by sending a beautiful chocolate cake to thank me with the message “YOU ARE THE  BEST BFF EVER”. That day I realized one thing about myself…….. I am seriously never getting a girlfriend and the only time I’ll be banging a girl is on my suhaag raat. So all I have to focus is on cracking IIT , then IIM , then getting a job at Google and then finally making a great profile so that the nearest hot , money minded girl can marry me.

Honestly telling, the reason why I have even started to write a blog is to impress girls. Since I am no good in studies or sports , I thought why not impress them with my writing. I mean which girl doesn’t get turned on by reading Macbeth…………they do right?? right?


But besides the jokes, being in friend zone can be really depressing.Look what happened to Severus Snape. That guy, DIED for the son of a woman that he loved all his life and the one who chose a DOUCHE BAG over him.  I mean he is like the ULTIMATE example of friend zone.I mean if friend zone is Dubai , then he is the fucking Burj Khalifa . Looking at him , sometimes I fear I am gonna grow up just like Snape . But it is in these dark days of hopelessness, that  Neville Longbottom gives me hope that even after looking like a rotten pumpkin for 7 years , in the end you WILL turn out be good looking.


Hence to all my friends in the friend zone, don’t get disheartened. In the end you will get a really beautiful and understand girl who loves you for who you are and if u don’t ….. then you just gotta accept that you are  a pathetic looser who will die after masturbating 27 times straight (in a  single day). So just be satisfied with your porn.

P.s – Time dilation is the slowing of time near high gravity places like black holes. Go learn some relativity dude.

BY ,

SARCASTIC (The friend zoned guy)


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